i've always thought i was a little bit crazy....not exactly insane but like..well, a bit more like..coo-coo;...not hannibal lecter-like or anything, but just a little bit...how shall i say this....barmy...i dont even know if what i just wrote even makes a semblance of an iota of logical sense :s (maybe im just weird)
here's how my mind works: its basically divided into two sides. one side (call it Side A for simplicity's sake) is filled with a kazillion and two different random things at any given moment; this side houses my everyday logic and reasoning, and these share the space with all my kooky fantasies, ideas and just bits and pieces of nothing that fill the side up the way random collections of useless stuff clutter a bedroom (dont u hate that?). the other side (shall we call it side B?) is like another self within myself; its a separate entity that observes what goes on in the first side and evaluates; sometimes it does so in the form of a conversation with itself or with another entity(the phantom "third side of my mind" that is as-yet difficult to fully define and understand), or sometimes it just blurts its thought out as narrative, at times documentary style, or other times like a corny film noir.
point being, i think im a tad nutso because i live predominantly inside my head. i dream out elaborate fantasies and scenarios which are sometimes ongoing, and these take up most of my conscious or semi-conscious thought on any given day. my physical body is oft nothing more than a drone, going about its mundane everyday duties in another universe, to the end of sustaining the physical sanctuary of my intangible dream world. but im sure lots of people are like that; thats not the thing that i think makes me crazy. what i think makes me crazy is the fact that my second side, side B, the observer side of my mind, actually consciously realizes this fact, the fact that i largely ignore my flesh and blood life in favor of the dream-scape. this "voice of reason" (for a long time i debated whether or not this side was my conscience, but a series of events has led me to believe that it is not, and that my conscious is trapped somewhere in the bedlam of Side A) is undeniably aware of the differences between dream and reality, and bemoans me for getting caught up in my head and neglecting my physical surroundings. but the really effed up thing is that Side B seems to be powerless to effect any sort of change. i.e. cant convince me to snap out of my dreams and focus on making dreams a reality. why? maybe because its too weak...or maybe i just dont wanna snap out...
but recently Side B has made a valiant attempt to change its track record, by wielding two of the most potent emotional tools: guilt and regret. from somewhere in the chaotic depths of Side A, Side B has managed to pull out images of my past...scenes of my boyhood, my late teenage years, from the latter part of high school, all the way through my young adult-hood and university life up until now....it has led me to reminisce about my actual life during those years...and it was while recalling these days that i realized how holey my life was. in my dreams i have a stellar life,aces, but i began to realize that my actual life was something far different....something definitively..defined by summarizing it into one word: MEDIOCRE
through an infallible logic, Side B categorically showed that my preoccupation with my dreams and my fantasies blinded me from realizing what it actually took to live a good life....i seldom thought enough about where i actually was and what i was actually doing...and the result was a few pretty good moments and memories scattered among seas of almosts, maybes, and woulda-coulda-shouldas. thinking about it all now, i realize that living in the here and now (back then and there) could easily have helped me to make many of my fantasies into realities....
unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately, depending on your point of view), however, the past in itself is a realm that cannot be altered (at least not yet). as i look to the future and look to self-improvement, i offer a few words of advice to you, friends. dreams are great; they are the seeds of all the great things that man can achieve. but we should not get carried away in them, and forget who we really are. dreams are no more than templates, motivators, endpoints which we should focus on but not live within. to truly realize our vast potentials we must turn our dreams into aspirations; we must realize the paths in front of us while keeping our eyes on the prize, because a prize that you can touch and smell and taste and kiss is a lot better than one you can only think about, in my humble point of view. we should make the most of our days and focus our energies towards achieving and living our dreams....after all, we have all the time in the world to dream the grandest dreams when we all inevitably take the Big Sleep.....
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